Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.