“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”