Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.