I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.