If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
asking santa clause for nudes
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
KFC hitting the cannibal market
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]