Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive