I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.