Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Not my job 😂
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?