Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?