Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
You Might Also Like
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back