-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️