Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.