Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
stop
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.