Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Your secret is safeish with me
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru