So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”