If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I hope Alan is OK
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
You learn something every day
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.