Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten