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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW