I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?