Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.