i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“