My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no