[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
peeping toms
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.