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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Truth
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*