Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.