It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
don’t be scared
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.