BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
January has been Januweary
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Flowers bee like
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.