Always 🥴
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Writing, She Murdered.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
#Caturday
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“i miss shittin on people”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?