I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken