You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones