My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Squirrels before girls.
is nasa ok
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Breaking news:
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
This will teach them to underestimate me
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no