TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0