(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.