Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
A wise man once said nothing.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Cats are still liquid.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to