ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman