Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.