Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.