rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
You Might Also Like
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”