Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
You Might Also Like
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.