People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
next question.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms