So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Brands during Pride
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*