The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.