Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle