Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…