Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I feel attacked.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then