This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Best table by far
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts