Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Fidel Castro was alive?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
how many bears make up a bear minimum
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.