[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?