Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I love you…
…r dog.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.