In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department